Today was my first day back to school since my mom died. I had forgotten how exhausting teaching is. I really needed to get back to work. For 7 hours a day, I don't think about my mom, cancer or all the things I have to do. For 7 hours a day, my life revolves around 10 4th graders with learning disabilities.
I feel like I need those little guys just as much as they need me. Sadly, for some of them, I'm the only steady female in their lives. My students have been so kind, compassionate and caring through it all. My "problem child" came in from recess just to give me a hug because he "knows what it's like to not have a mom." His mom abandoned him when he was a baby and he is being raised by his father. For him to make that connection and show empathy is amazing to me. He has come so far in the three years I've known him.
I love my job. I love my students and my co-workers. I am truly blessed to be back at my school after a disastrous last year in the MD unit at another school. I am very far behind in IEPs, but thankfully the OT and speech therapists have picked up my slack.
It was a wonderful day.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
2009 Goals Met
It's not even December yet and I realized I met my goals for 2009.
2009 Goals
1. Pay off waterline ($345) by Feb. 15 (completed)
2. Pay off car loan ($2300) by June 30. (completed)
3. Pay off laptop ($850) by July 31. (completed)
4. Save $4000 in an emergency fund by Dec. 31 (completed)
5. By Dec. 31, increase student loan payments to the regular payment plan when other goals are completed.
I decided to forgo Goal 5 for the time being since my mom died. I need a few months to get a handle on the new bills I have and re-establish my savings plan before I worry about my student loans.
I just need to think about what goals I will set for myself in 2010. Suggestions are welcome. :-)
2009 Goals
1. Pay off waterline ($345) by Feb. 15 (completed)
2. Pay off car loan ($2300) by June 30. (completed)
3. Pay off laptop ($850) by July 31. (completed)
4. Save $4000 in an emergency fund by Dec. 31 (completed)
5. By Dec. 31, increase student loan payments to the regular payment plan when other goals are completed.
I decided to forgo Goal 5 for the time being since my mom died. I need a few months to get a handle on the new bills I have and re-establish my savings plan before I worry about my student loans.
I just need to think about what goals I will set for myself in 2010. Suggestions are welcome. :-)
Life insurance
My brother and I sat down with our insurance agent yesterday to sign for mom's life insurance check. I am absolutely grateful that she had life insurance as I'm not sure how I would've paid for the funeral. The bank has a 7-day hold on the money, but that's okay. I don't have to pay the funeral home until January. I still need to buy a headstone, and after that we should have around $1,000 left, which we might use to redo the bathroom or just save in case of a house emergency.
I felt so bad for my brother yesterday. He's probably one of the very few 21-year-olds who have to be concerned with life insurance. As he is single and still in college and only works part time delivering pizza, I took a large-ish life insurance policy out on myself. In case of my untimely demise, I need him to be able to pay the bills, maintain the house and be able to pay for school until he's financially stable and graduated. I also made sure he could pay for funeral expenses for me, if need be. We had to change our beneificiaries as they were still listed as mom and dad, which isn't very helpful at this stage. We picked each other, then listed our aunt, my dad's sister, in the event we die at the same time. My brother has been with the same girl for well over four years now. I absolutely adore her and hope they do get married some day. I told my brother that when they do, we will change his policies so she will be the beneficiary.
Our insurance agent had a lot of trouble keeping his composure while dealing with us. He's at least 20 years older than me and still has both of his parents. He just kept saying over and over that he didn't know how we were dealing with this as he couldn't imagine losing both his parents so young.
We're both dealing with it very well. I think because we both watched as mom deterioted and suffered over the last year. We know she's in a much better place. We are at peace with her death. Learning to live without her has been difficult, so far. Everything in this house is hers. It's so quiet all the time. Not that she was loud to begin with, but her oxygen machines made noise and she always had the tv on. I do okay during the day, but the evening is hard for me. My brother works in the evening, so I'm all alone. I've never been alone in my whole life. My brother stayed with his best friend on Thanksgiving night, so it was just me for the first time in my entire life. I've never lived alone, so this will take some adjusting, especially when my brother is at school or work. I look over to her chair in the dining room, expecting to see her and she's not there.
But life moves on, you know? I've just got to figure out how to move on with mine.
I felt so bad for my brother yesterday. He's probably one of the very few 21-year-olds who have to be concerned with life insurance. As he is single and still in college and only works part time delivering pizza, I took a large-ish life insurance policy out on myself. In case of my untimely demise, I need him to be able to pay the bills, maintain the house and be able to pay for school until he's financially stable and graduated. I also made sure he could pay for funeral expenses for me, if need be. We had to change our beneificiaries as they were still listed as mom and dad, which isn't very helpful at this stage. We picked each other, then listed our aunt, my dad's sister, in the event we die at the same time. My brother has been with the same girl for well over four years now. I absolutely adore her and hope they do get married some day. I told my brother that when they do, we will change his policies so she will be the beneficiary.
Our insurance agent had a lot of trouble keeping his composure while dealing with us. He's at least 20 years older than me and still has both of his parents. He just kept saying over and over that he didn't know how we were dealing with this as he couldn't imagine losing both his parents so young.
We're both dealing with it very well. I think because we both watched as mom deterioted and suffered over the last year. We know she's in a much better place. We are at peace with her death. Learning to live without her has been difficult, so far. Everything in this house is hers. It's so quiet all the time. Not that she was loud to begin with, but her oxygen machines made noise and she always had the tv on. I do okay during the day, but the evening is hard for me. My brother works in the evening, so I'm all alone. I've never been alone in my whole life. My brother stayed with his best friend on Thanksgiving night, so it was just me for the first time in my entire life. I've never lived alone, so this will take some adjusting, especially when my brother is at school or work. I look over to her chair in the dining room, expecting to see her and she's not there.
But life moves on, you know? I've just got to figure out how to move on with mine.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Decisons, Decisons
With losing a loved one one, comes a lot of decisions, particularly if that person didn't have a will. My mom didn't have a will, but other than personal affects, the only substantial asset she had was a (paid for) 2000 Jeep Cherokee, which would shock me if it was worth $2000. I'm not sure what I can (legally) do with her vehicle as the title is not in my name and I'm not power of attorney. I'm assuming that will have to go through probate court, but I'm not sure.
My life insurance company is wonderful and cut the check as soon as they saw the obituary in the paper. However, I can't sign for it until I present them with the death certificate, which hasn't arrived yet. There isn't a whole lot I can do until I get the death certificate, as most places won't close accounts without it. I did contact the car insurance to have them send me a bill instead of directly debiting Mom's checking account, and did the same with another insurance company. Apparently, the funeral home will notify Social Security, so I don't have to do that. I did have to call and inform my dad's former employer, who pays my mom's pension. I sure wish my brother was entitled to something, at least until he graduates college in two years.
Despite everything, my brother and I are incredibly blessed. In lieu of flowers, a lot of people gave us money to help us offset travel expenses to Kentucky. Overall, people gave us more than $1800. My brother and I were stunned at the amount and at the generosity of our family, friends and community. After paying travel expenses, we will still have a huge chunk left, so we (I) decided to save it in an "Oh Crap" housing fund. It'll be used as an emergency fund for house maintenance, such as the furnace blowing up, pipes bursting, septic tank draining, etc. This would be in addition to my emergency fund I've been building.
My darling brother wanted to buy stuff with it, but I voted no and decided we'd save it. I was going to open a joint savings account, but decided that would be a bad idea to allow my brother access to it right now. I love him, but financial responsibility is not his strong suit. I could see checking the account and find it to be drained, but we'd have a new flat screen, sound system and his car would be souped-out. Maybe when he's older.
We should also have a couple thousand left over from the life insurance after we pay the funeral expenses. I do need to purchase a headstone. I haven't decided if I will put all that money into the "Oh crap" fund or if we will use some of it to renovate the bathroom. Our bathroom is bad, very bad. My late father, who should've stuck with coal mining and not carpentry, constructed a wood windowsill to surround the window in our shower. Wood in the shower. And it rotted and molded. It's bad, very bad and disgusting looking. Probably hazardous to one's health as well.
My life insurance company is wonderful and cut the check as soon as they saw the obituary in the paper. However, I can't sign for it until I present them with the death certificate, which hasn't arrived yet. There isn't a whole lot I can do until I get the death certificate, as most places won't close accounts without it. I did contact the car insurance to have them send me a bill instead of directly debiting Mom's checking account, and did the same with another insurance company. Apparently, the funeral home will notify Social Security, so I don't have to do that. I did have to call and inform my dad's former employer, who pays my mom's pension. I sure wish my brother was entitled to something, at least until he graduates college in two years.
Despite everything, my brother and I are incredibly blessed. In lieu of flowers, a lot of people gave us money to help us offset travel expenses to Kentucky. Overall, people gave us more than $1800. My brother and I were stunned at the amount and at the generosity of our family, friends and community. After paying travel expenses, we will still have a huge chunk left, so we (I) decided to save it in an "Oh Crap" housing fund. It'll be used as an emergency fund for house maintenance, such as the furnace blowing up, pipes bursting, septic tank draining, etc. This would be in addition to my emergency fund I've been building.
My darling brother wanted to buy stuff with it, but I voted no and decided we'd save it. I was going to open a joint savings account, but decided that would be a bad idea to allow my brother access to it right now. I love him, but financial responsibility is not his strong suit. I could see checking the account and find it to be drained, but we'd have a new flat screen, sound system and his car would be souped-out. Maybe when he's older.
We should also have a couple thousand left over from the life insurance after we pay the funeral expenses. I do need to purchase a headstone. I haven't decided if I will put all that money into the "Oh crap" fund or if we will use some of it to renovate the bathroom. Our bathroom is bad, very bad. My late father, who should've stuck with coal mining and not carpentry, constructed a wood windowsill to surround the window in our shower. Wood in the shower. And it rotted and molded. It's bad, very bad and disgusting looking. Probably hazardous to one's health as well.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Losing my mom
November is officially the most difficult month of my life. It has far surpassed August 2003, when my dad lost his battle to lung cancer. Thank you for praying and keeping my brother and I in your prayers.
I knew things weren't good with my mom a few weeks ago. Most of you know my mom was battling non-small cell lung cancer for more than a year. She did six months of chemotherapy and four weeks of radiation. She was so brave and never once complained, even when the cancer robbed her of her ability to speak and swallow, which necessitated the use of a feeding tube being placed in her stomach.
In the last month, she fell a lot. One injury was so horrendous looking, that I begged her to allow me to take her in for stitches, which she adamantly refused. Stubborn is a word that I would use to describe my mother. Just plain stubborn. On Election Day, Tuesday, Nov. 3, her feet were so swollen she couldn't walk. She couldn't get out of bed. In addition to cancer, my mom also had congestive heart failure and COPD, which is just a bad trifecta of diseases. Her doctor told me he saw some effusion on a chest x-ray and that he couldn't even see her left lung. He didn't know if it was completely filled with fluid or had collapsed from the cancer. He arranged for my mom to go into the hospital. She refused. I'm not sure what she was thinking.
At this point, I knew I was losing her. I feel like I've been grieving for weeks. I was so upset I went to the cemetery and yelled at my dad and grandparent's graves. On Thursday, Nov. 5, I went to work. It was parent-teacher conference night and I had a full-schedule. I knew, deep down in the pit of my stomach, that things weren't good and I should've stayed home. My neighbor called me before lunch and said mom didn't look good and she was taking her to the doctor. The doctor took her vital signs, which were almost non-existent and sent her straight to the hospital via ambulance. I flew to the hospital and arrived as the ER staff was working on my mom.
Her heart rate was soaring into the 180s and upward into the 200s. They had to shock (cardioinvert) her heart to try and bring it into a normal rhythm. That was the scariest thing I've ever witnessed in my life. It took about 20 doctors, nurses and respiratory therapists. That caused her to stop breathing, so they were getting ready to intibate her, but she started breathing again. She stabilized, but was placed in intensive care. She was alert, her heart rate was still elevated, but her breathing was stable.
They transferred her out of ICU Friday evening and into the cancer unit, where between both of my parents, I have stayed at least a dozen times. My sister snuck the kids into see her, but they were kicked out after a few minutes due to swine flu concerns. I'm glad they got to see her. Mom was tired, but looked good. I left the hospital and decided since she was out of ICU and stable, I would go to the 4th grade teacher's conference my team and I were registered for in Columbus Sunday and Monday.
I left the hospital and drove to my town. I went to a restaurant and had dinner with some friends. I didn't drink and called my brother and told him not to have any alcohol as well, just in case. I went home and went to bed. At around 2:30 in the morning, the hospital called me and said my brother and I needed to come in. They had shocked my mom's heart two more times because her heart rate was soaring into the 200s. They were placing her back into ICU and things didn't look so good. We called some family and raced to the hospital. While we were driving, they'd had to shock her heart an additional time. Her breathing was bad and we had to place her on a bipap machine. The hospital staff didn't want us to leave the floor because things were so rocky.
The ICU staff somehow managed to get her heart rate down to a normal level after several hours of IV meds. Mom refused to go to sleep. She took her bipap mask off at one point and told me she was so scared because she woke up and told me there were 20 people in her room. I told her her heart went crazy and they'd had to shock it. I think she was so scared and worried about that, that she didn't sleep for two days. Not a wink. I finally demanded that the nursing staff give her some Xanax to help the anxiety, which they did and she went to sleep.
Some testing revealed that my mom's left lung was completely filled up with fluid. The ICU doctor discussed some options with us and we felt that a thoracentesis was the best option. This involves using a needed to drain the fluid from the lungs. My mom has always gotten panicky when she's struggled for breath. Doing nothing was one of our options, but I refused that. I knew she was dying, but if I could help it, i wasn't going to let her death be hard. The doctor drained over 1,000 ccs of fluid, which is more than a liter. The next day he drained 900 ccs from the right lung. They sent it off to be analyzed to see if it was caused by the congestive heart failure or as a complication of the lung cancer. Turns out, it was cancer related. My brother and I had to make a lot of hard decisions as my mom didn't have a living will and was unable to make decisions for herself. We decided on no ventilators and had a Do Not Resuscitate order placed on her in the event of a cardiac arrest. We decided that if she slipped into unconsciousness, we would pull the feeding tube as near end of life, the body stops digestion anyway.
You always think there is hope for recovery, until hospice contacted me. I met with them, along with my brother and my mom's best friend to make a plan. We decided we wanted her to die at home,peacefully, surrounded by family, like my dad did. On Wednesday night, we made all the arrangements to transport her home Thursday morning. The palliative doctor met with us to discuss pain management and how to keep her comfortable. Her comfort was always our main concern. We made a plan and my brother and I felt at peace with it. We were very excited she was coming home. Mom wasn't very alert at this point, but would nod her head. I asked her if she wanted to come home and she nodded her head. I told her due to the bipap machine she had to come home in an ambulance. Was that okay? She vehemently shook her head no. I asked her if I rode with her in the ambulance, would that be okay? She thought about it then nodded her head yes. I told her I loved her. She opened her eyes and mouthed I love you back at me. That was the last thing she ever said to me.
We went home and with help from some friends, moved furniture and got our house ready for hospice to deliver equipment on Thursday morning. Around 9 a.m., we get a call from the hospital that Mom had taken a turn for the worse that morning and we needed to come in. I called my mom's best friend and my dad's sister who is the closest relative and we flew to the hospital. Mom had slipped into a coma overnight, which is not uncommon. My dad held on in the coma for four days. Hospice told us if we still wanted her to come home, they would arrange it, but chances were very high that she would die en route.
Some of my mom's siblings, who were planning to arrive on Friday, headed out from Kentucky that morning. It is a 7-hour drive. We had a lot of people there to support us, but eventually most left. Around 2:00, it was just me, my brother, his girlfriend and my mom's best friend. Around 2:15 on Nov. 12, while I was holding her hand, she took her final breath and slipped peacefully away. At 28 years old, I've held both my parents hands as they died. That's just something I shouldn't have to do yet.
When we first met with the hospice coordinator, she looked at my brother and I, who are 21 and 28 respectively, and said we were too young to have to do this. I pointed out, that this is the second time we've had to do this as we lost our dad six years ago. We are a lot stronger than most people think.
Mom had told me what she wanted for funeral arrangements. She wanted a showing in Ohio for family and friends, but she wanted her funeral in Kentucky. Our family turned my grandma's land into a family cemetery. My mom grew up on that land and she wanted to be buried there as well. She had picked out her spot a few months ago when we were there for my uncle's funeral. Her service was beautiful. I wrote something and read it. I don't know how I did it, except for help from a happy pill and the Good Lord.
I had some trouble with family stealing things, but that's a post for another day. I felt like I was punched in the stomach when my mom's wedding ring went missing. I threw a hysterical fit, I mean seriously hysterical and one of my aunts "magically" found my mom's wedding ring and a sapphire ring in the bathroom. I know without a doubt that my mom is in heaven, as she was a strong Christian woman, but I hope if she ever gets a chance that she haunts her sister. As a Christian, I have forgiven her, but I haven't forgotten and I don't think I will allow this sister back in my house.
I decided to take some time off work until after Thanksgiving. I feel kinda restless though and could probably go back to work this week, as it is only two days. I have so much to do and settle, but I feel I'm at a standstill until I get the death certificate and life insurance money. I don't really know what to do with myself or even where to begin. I've been taking care of my mom for so long, it's been my main focus. I feel out of sorts. I feel sad as my mom was an amazing woman and my best friend, but I'm relieved as well. She is out of pain and is reunited with my dad. I don't really feel like she's gone. Maybe I'm still in denial. I'm functioning very well, but I don't feel like I'm going to breakdown constantly like I did with my dad. For a long time after he died, if someone even mentioned his name in the grocery store, I would breakdown crying. I feel kinda numb.
My friends are taking excellent care of me and have deemed themselves my "cruise directors." I have things planned every day. In the last two days, I've seen "New Moon" twice and went to a high school play last night. Today, I'm meeting my Phi Mu sisters at Easton to watch "New Moon" yet again and go to lunch. They are refusing to let me stay alone in this house and mope. I am a depressive by nature, and a hermit to boot, so adding major loss to that is not good anyway.
Despite it all, I am tremendously blessed. I could be angry and bitter that both my parents were taken so young, but instead I'll be grateful for the 22 wonderful years with my dad and the 28 wonderful years with my mom.
I knew things weren't good with my mom a few weeks ago. Most of you know my mom was battling non-small cell lung cancer for more than a year. She did six months of chemotherapy and four weeks of radiation. She was so brave and never once complained, even when the cancer robbed her of her ability to speak and swallow, which necessitated the use of a feeding tube being placed in her stomach.
In the last month, she fell a lot. One injury was so horrendous looking, that I begged her to allow me to take her in for stitches, which she adamantly refused. Stubborn is a word that I would use to describe my mother. Just plain stubborn. On Election Day, Tuesday, Nov. 3, her feet were so swollen she couldn't walk. She couldn't get out of bed. In addition to cancer, my mom also had congestive heart failure and COPD, which is just a bad trifecta of diseases. Her doctor told me he saw some effusion on a chest x-ray and that he couldn't even see her left lung. He didn't know if it was completely filled with fluid or had collapsed from the cancer. He arranged for my mom to go into the hospital. She refused. I'm not sure what she was thinking.
At this point, I knew I was losing her. I feel like I've been grieving for weeks. I was so upset I went to the cemetery and yelled at my dad and grandparent's graves. On Thursday, Nov. 5, I went to work. It was parent-teacher conference night and I had a full-schedule. I knew, deep down in the pit of my stomach, that things weren't good and I should've stayed home. My neighbor called me before lunch and said mom didn't look good and she was taking her to the doctor. The doctor took her vital signs, which were almost non-existent and sent her straight to the hospital via ambulance. I flew to the hospital and arrived as the ER staff was working on my mom.
Her heart rate was soaring into the 180s and upward into the 200s. They had to shock (cardioinvert) her heart to try and bring it into a normal rhythm. That was the scariest thing I've ever witnessed in my life. It took about 20 doctors, nurses and respiratory therapists. That caused her to stop breathing, so they were getting ready to intibate her, but she started breathing again. She stabilized, but was placed in intensive care. She was alert, her heart rate was still elevated, but her breathing was stable.
They transferred her out of ICU Friday evening and into the cancer unit, where between both of my parents, I have stayed at least a dozen times. My sister snuck the kids into see her, but they were kicked out after a few minutes due to swine flu concerns. I'm glad they got to see her. Mom was tired, but looked good. I left the hospital and decided since she was out of ICU and stable, I would go to the 4th grade teacher's conference my team and I were registered for in Columbus Sunday and Monday.
I left the hospital and drove to my town. I went to a restaurant and had dinner with some friends. I didn't drink and called my brother and told him not to have any alcohol as well, just in case. I went home and went to bed. At around 2:30 in the morning, the hospital called me and said my brother and I needed to come in. They had shocked my mom's heart two more times because her heart rate was soaring into the 200s. They were placing her back into ICU and things didn't look so good. We called some family and raced to the hospital. While we were driving, they'd had to shock her heart an additional time. Her breathing was bad and we had to place her on a bipap machine. The hospital staff didn't want us to leave the floor because things were so rocky.
The ICU staff somehow managed to get her heart rate down to a normal level after several hours of IV meds. Mom refused to go to sleep. She took her bipap mask off at one point and told me she was so scared because she woke up and told me there were 20 people in her room. I told her her heart went crazy and they'd had to shock it. I think she was so scared and worried about that, that she didn't sleep for two days. Not a wink. I finally demanded that the nursing staff give her some Xanax to help the anxiety, which they did and she went to sleep.
Some testing revealed that my mom's left lung was completely filled up with fluid. The ICU doctor discussed some options with us and we felt that a thoracentesis was the best option. This involves using a needed to drain the fluid from the lungs. My mom has always gotten panicky when she's struggled for breath. Doing nothing was one of our options, but I refused that. I knew she was dying, but if I could help it, i wasn't going to let her death be hard. The doctor drained over 1,000 ccs of fluid, which is more than a liter. The next day he drained 900 ccs from the right lung. They sent it off to be analyzed to see if it was caused by the congestive heart failure or as a complication of the lung cancer. Turns out, it was cancer related. My brother and I had to make a lot of hard decisions as my mom didn't have a living will and was unable to make decisions for herself. We decided on no ventilators and had a Do Not Resuscitate order placed on her in the event of a cardiac arrest. We decided that if she slipped into unconsciousness, we would pull the feeding tube as near end of life, the body stops digestion anyway.
You always think there is hope for recovery, until hospice contacted me. I met with them, along with my brother and my mom's best friend to make a plan. We decided we wanted her to die at home,peacefully, surrounded by family, like my dad did. On Wednesday night, we made all the arrangements to transport her home Thursday morning. The palliative doctor met with us to discuss pain management and how to keep her comfortable. Her comfort was always our main concern. We made a plan and my brother and I felt at peace with it. We were very excited she was coming home. Mom wasn't very alert at this point, but would nod her head. I asked her if she wanted to come home and she nodded her head. I told her due to the bipap machine she had to come home in an ambulance. Was that okay? She vehemently shook her head no. I asked her if I rode with her in the ambulance, would that be okay? She thought about it then nodded her head yes. I told her I loved her. She opened her eyes and mouthed I love you back at me. That was the last thing she ever said to me.
We went home and with help from some friends, moved furniture and got our house ready for hospice to deliver equipment on Thursday morning. Around 9 a.m., we get a call from the hospital that Mom had taken a turn for the worse that morning and we needed to come in. I called my mom's best friend and my dad's sister who is the closest relative and we flew to the hospital. Mom had slipped into a coma overnight, which is not uncommon. My dad held on in the coma for four days. Hospice told us if we still wanted her to come home, they would arrange it, but chances were very high that she would die en route.
Some of my mom's siblings, who were planning to arrive on Friday, headed out from Kentucky that morning. It is a 7-hour drive. We had a lot of people there to support us, but eventually most left. Around 2:00, it was just me, my brother, his girlfriend and my mom's best friend. Around 2:15 on Nov. 12, while I was holding her hand, she took her final breath and slipped peacefully away. At 28 years old, I've held both my parents hands as they died. That's just something I shouldn't have to do yet.
When we first met with the hospice coordinator, she looked at my brother and I, who are 21 and 28 respectively, and said we were too young to have to do this. I pointed out, that this is the second time we've had to do this as we lost our dad six years ago. We are a lot stronger than most people think.
Mom had told me what she wanted for funeral arrangements. She wanted a showing in Ohio for family and friends, but she wanted her funeral in Kentucky. Our family turned my grandma's land into a family cemetery. My mom grew up on that land and she wanted to be buried there as well. She had picked out her spot a few months ago when we were there for my uncle's funeral. Her service was beautiful. I wrote something and read it. I don't know how I did it, except for help from a happy pill and the Good Lord.
I had some trouble with family stealing things, but that's a post for another day. I felt like I was punched in the stomach when my mom's wedding ring went missing. I threw a hysterical fit, I mean seriously hysterical and one of my aunts "magically" found my mom's wedding ring and a sapphire ring in the bathroom. I know without a doubt that my mom is in heaven, as she was a strong Christian woman, but I hope if she ever gets a chance that she haunts her sister. As a Christian, I have forgiven her, but I haven't forgotten and I don't think I will allow this sister back in my house.
I decided to take some time off work until after Thanksgiving. I feel kinda restless though and could probably go back to work this week, as it is only two days. I have so much to do and settle, but I feel I'm at a standstill until I get the death certificate and life insurance money. I don't really know what to do with myself or even where to begin. I've been taking care of my mom for so long, it's been my main focus. I feel out of sorts. I feel sad as my mom was an amazing woman and my best friend, but I'm relieved as well. She is out of pain and is reunited with my dad. I don't really feel like she's gone. Maybe I'm still in denial. I'm functioning very well, but I don't feel like I'm going to breakdown constantly like I did with my dad. For a long time after he died, if someone even mentioned his name in the grocery store, I would breakdown crying. I feel kinda numb.
My friends are taking excellent care of me and have deemed themselves my "cruise directors." I have things planned every day. In the last two days, I've seen "New Moon" twice and went to a high school play last night. Today, I'm meeting my Phi Mu sisters at Easton to watch "New Moon" yet again and go to lunch. They are refusing to let me stay alone in this house and mope. I am a depressive by nature, and a hermit to boot, so adding major loss to that is not good anyway.
Despite it all, I am tremendously blessed. I could be angry and bitter that both my parents were taken so young, but instead I'll be grateful for the 22 wonderful years with my dad and the 28 wonderful years with my mom.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Death in the Family
I realize I've been absent for awhile, but my mother passed away a few days ago. Her funeral is today. If you would keep my brother and I in your prayers, we would appreciate it.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Home sick
I am home sick today. The children's germs finally got to me, despite the obsessive handwashing, lysol and hand sanitizing. I probably would've went to work if I'd had a normal office job, but teaching requires so much energy, that I just can't do it if I'm feeling under the weather. Plus I don't want to spread my germs to others.
I'm a little concerned that I may have contracted H1N1 as I have all the symptoms and I've had my seasonal flu shot. I'm not willing to shell out the $400 necessary to find out for certain as this is relatively mild. My fever broke early this morning and now I'm freezing. I checked and I actually was able to obtain a substitute teacher. Subs are in high demand right now. We had three classes not covered the other day and had to pull librarians and computer lab teachers to cover. I showed one of my students yesterday where my emergency sub plans were, so hopefully the substitute won't have any problems.
I'm trying to decide what to do today. I might beg my brother to go pick up some food for me from the local cafe. They have such weird hours that I can't get there during the school year, but their food rocks. I requested a new vampire book from the library, which hopefully will be in today. I might beg him to pick it up for me. Aside from Twilight, I'm also reading the Sookie Stackhouse series, which the True Blood tv show is based off. I'm also reading the Undead series, which is a funny chick lit vampire series. I finished the Vampire Diaries last week. Love, love, love the tv show.
I'm a little concerned that I may have contracted H1N1 as I have all the symptoms and I've had my seasonal flu shot. I'm not willing to shell out the $400 necessary to find out for certain as this is relatively mild. My fever broke early this morning and now I'm freezing. I checked and I actually was able to obtain a substitute teacher. Subs are in high demand right now. We had three classes not covered the other day and had to pull librarians and computer lab teachers to cover. I showed one of my students yesterday where my emergency sub plans were, so hopefully the substitute won't have any problems.
I'm trying to decide what to do today. I might beg my brother to go pick up some food for me from the local cafe. They have such weird hours that I can't get there during the school year, but their food rocks. I requested a new vampire book from the library, which hopefully will be in today. I might beg him to pick it up for me. Aside from Twilight, I'm also reading the Sookie Stackhouse series, which the True Blood tv show is based off. I'm also reading the Undead series, which is a funny chick lit vampire series. I finished the Vampire Diaries last week. Love, love, love the tv show.
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